Forever is a long time.

I think the first time I noticed it was when he was in first grade. We had just moved to China, and he began having trouble at school. At first it was confusing…my sweet boy involved in almost daily fights. Really? Do you have the right boy? I was confused by the behavior being reported, and thought maybe it was culture shock. And then, my first field trip, it hit me. While stopping for lunch, we were eating sandwiches and drinking our juice boxes and I made a comment. I don’t even remember what it was now…He flew into a rage. Something I had never seen him do. While I was staring at him, I saw his teacher out of the corner of my eye. She was watching me- watching my reaction to this outrage that I was witnessing. I looked at her and asked, “Have you seen this before???” And she replied, “Every day.”

He was diagnosed with ADHD. And our world changed. Not much at first…but then, as things unfolded, I found so much that I just wasn’t prepared for and didn’t want to accept. Everything was connected. He couldn’t write, because his gross motor skills were undeveloped. He couldn’t ride a bike. His brain wouldn’t let him. And his coordination was frightening. I worked with him and a physical therapist all summer.  Every day. I tossed water balloons to him, to help with coordination. I helped him learn to ride a bike and I spent hours and hours through tears and frustration, trying to teach him to write, count money and tell time. Year after year after year…..and then the second one was born. By the time he was 3, I knew with 100% certainty, he was the same. Even though most children are diagnosed by the time they are 7, the doctors believed me and we started down that road once more.

Sometimes there were teachers who understood and had experience with kids like mine. Sometimes, there weren’t. I have a binder 5 inches thick on both my sons….every test ever taken, every trip to the doctor, therapist, executive functioning specialist…every 504 or IEP meeting with the people at the schools. I now refer to them as the “super friends”. Most times they were gracious and patient with my boys. In their Illinois elementary school, in particular, there were many staff members who were quite knowledgeable and helped me through difficult stretches of time. But there were always questions. Did my husband and I get along? Were there troubles at home? And of course, the “helpful” onlookers…”Have you tried taking something of his away?” or “Have you tried a star chart? There are so many websites and books on discipline. Maybe you could try one?” I wanted to scream at them all….Most people don’t understand how it works. I found this time after time- at his first school in Beijing, the older one was asked to “sit” out of his P.E. class because he couldn’t stop moving in line. How does a time out help a 7 year old boy that can’t sit still????

I have read every book I can think of on ADHD….How children learn, how their brain is configured and how best to help them with their lives in a world where people who “think differently” are still a bit out of the norm.  I even thought about going back to school for it…more than once. Diets are a concern. In children, nutrition is an important part of their development, even without added complications. Mine are both deficient in certain minerals that affect their brain functions. Their blood was analyzed to try to figure out how best to help them. As ADHD is a moving target, once I decided to have them take medicine for the chemical deficit, it was constantly changing because they were constantly changing and growing. I had to make the agonizing decision that I did not know what the long term affects would be to taking this medicine. It could have all sorts of repercussions. Growth could be stunted, physically and mentally. It could keep them from having children, and many other issues to consider. I decided in the end, that if they did not take medicine, they would not have a future to worry about. And so we started the medicines- different for each child,  and I learned a lot about the different types and what they do- enough to challenge a doctor when we lived in Illinois. And she couldn’t give a good answer. She didn’t know. And I have it all documented.

So, we lived our lives. With all that this includes. The outbursts of constant frustrations, bouncing off the walls with energy and the constant worry of impulsiveness. When they were young, sometimes it was funny. There was the time I looked outside to see my youngest on the trampoline, buck naked or the time the same child was rigging a sled onto a rope tied to a tree from his tree house….. And it could be frightening. My oldest was riding his bike behind me and decided to pull a u-turn right into oncoming traffic. As I screamed for him to stop, I saw my life flash before my eyes…I still see it like it was yesterday. If the driver of the car had not been an expat looking for children, I would not be writing this now.

And I thought I would get a handle on it. I would take my time and efforts and now, expertise, and grow these children into good, responsible, well rounded adults. Or so I thought. See, ADHD is forever. And forever is a long time. As they grew, so did their issues. Or rather, they evolved. As the first one approached middle school, he went from 1 classroom to 8. One teacher to 8. One source of homework to 8. And that was just the daily stuff. Then there were longer term projects with research and dance recitals and permission slips to remember and all that goes with the glory of 6th grade. And I started becoming good friends with all the teachers emailing me about him missing this or not turning in that….and the frustration level of this child grew as I began having a list of things for him to deal with when he got home. We began this dark dance of me asking “Why he couldn’t do this?!?” and him either lying, or hiding assignments under his bed. One of his teachers said, “Let him fail. Better now than later…” At the time, I couldn’t let that happen. I just couldn’t do it. How could I let a child fail, who, every day, goes into battle knowing that somehow, he will fail in something?  So, as a family, we began these horrible weekend long “get this one back on track” sessions with homework, long term projects, and life in general. It became overwhelming. But that was just the beginning. There was always something missing- not done, not turned in, not, not, not. We started a staging area in the office, where we would use large white envelopes for homework not turned in. One of the side effects of ADHD is NOT wanting to stand out, or being embarrassed in any way. One thing he was doing was in lieu of being embarrassed by not knowing what the assignment was or actually handing in said assignment, was refusing to turn in assignments for fear of being teased by classmates. It only worked for so long. And it was becoming a full time job for both parents to keep both boys up to speed in school.

By the time 8th grade rolled around, we were knee deep in the repercussions of ADHD. No extracurricular activities, no dance or music lessons, no sports. Nothing. Just getting up, getting dressed and getting to school. A source of constant frustration for me. I wanted to support these kids in exploring the universe. They wanted nothing to do with the universe. Just when their friends were getting interested in drama, music, and sports, mine were doing their best to sabotage any sort of opportunity to explore who they might want to be. There can just be so many discussions about trying to convince a child of “taking a chance” before it just isn’t worth it anymore.

And then we moved to China again. A drama that I cannot speak about – even almost 3 years later. Another side effect of ADHD is the resistance to change. And it is huge. And it is real. And it will win if it isn’t handled correctly. It takes time….months, in fact. Months of convincing, of reassuring, of promising….and then actually packing…leaving the home that is “homebase”. Leaving all that is precious in storage, including special rocks and used erasers.  And the promise that the rooms will remain intact EXACTLY as they were left….now 3 years later and counting.

Their school now is a Godsend. If only we could convince them of this. There is a completely different way of teaching here. One that melds with children of all worlds, of all capabilities, of all languages. Every single day I go there, I am astounded in what they do to make a difference in a child’s life. All education should be this way.

So now? I am learning. Learning to wrap my head around my children as they are. Not what I had hoped they would be. They will be successful. In a different way than I had planned. Both are smart. Just not in a conventional K-12 kind of way. They aren’t the leader in soccer or the prize winning participant of the science fair. They aren’t. They don’t play any instruments and they can’t speak 3 languages. It has taken me a long time to mourn this idea in my head. A teacher once told me that his child was “gifted”. At the time, I was jealous. It was a particularly difficult time with mine…and I resented him for saying that. Now, I realized that he meant his child was “gifted” in a conventional way. The way that people like him could revel in and be proud of his accomplishments. HIS accomplishments as a parent. Not the child’s.

Maybe this was my journey. As the child of two extremely intelligent people, I was raised to be book smart. I was expected to participate in things that would help me in life, and discouraged in things that were frivolous. I attended high school for 2 years and then was accepted into college at the age of 16. Perhaps there is more to it. Perhaps it took my children’s struggles to help me realize this. Every day is a struggle. It probably will be for a long time. Neither of them can receive verbal directions. Neither can tell time and neither will do anything they really don’t know how to get started. And I have let go of the International Baccalaureate, I so wanted for them. Will there be a gap year? Probably. Will they go to college? I hope so.

For now, I try every day to just be. Love them for who they are and help them with whatever their “crisis” of the day is. And there is always one. Teach them to be kind and do the right thing…and to pursue things they want to learn about..which is their school’s motto. Why not? Now is the time to be curious and safe….there is plenty of time to be an adult. As we all know.

So. ADHD is forever. The struggle is forever. I wish more educational institutions understood that it takes a different type of learning environment to help grow all these kids into adults. Into confident, curious, giving, accomplished adults. And to learn from these differences…allow them to be. And to love the kids you have. I do.